blossom

cherry_blossom.png

Cherry Blossom #1, Flora

I've been thinking a lot about dormancy lately...maybe because I'm acting as a cocoon for this little human being inside me (the one squirming and kicking right now). But I know it started before that. It was part of why I revamped and restarted a blog a year and a half ago...this feeling that I'm not quite living up to my potential, that I can do better.

I don't think that's a bad feeling...without it I wouldn't try new things or work on bad habits or put effort into anything, and so on. But I'm challenged by not knowing what my true potential is, as opposed to things that are realistically out of reach. I am frustrated that I let myself down because I know I need to put time into something I want to accomplish, but I decide to watch a movie or something instead. I'm confused by the choices between dreams and responsibilities. All of this makes me feel overwhelmed, so I shut down and veg out and do nothing: I go dormant.

I've let myself down a lot, but then I'm never sure if I'm just being too hard on myself...it all comes down to fear, I think. I fear failure, I fear disappointing loved ones, I fear complacency, and I fear regret.

Fear has put me into a state of dormancy mentally. Hustling to survive in the city has put me into a state of dormancy creatively. Pregnancy has put me into a state of dormancy physically. Scott thinks motherhood is going to make me blossom...I think he may be right...

amy_wing_blossom.png