On NOT going on an adventure...

Little one taking a little break on Angel Island/Photo Credit: Scott Mansfield

Little one taking a little break on Angel Island/Photo Credit: Scott Mansfield

I think that adventure is the right choice 98% of the time. Even small adventures like a walk in the rain win out over (some) responsibilities or laziness. Adventure refreshes the soul and makes you feel like you can tackle the rest of life.

Sometimes your guts cry out to stay home and you have to have a chat with yourself about the benefits of going out. You KNOW the adventure will be fun and good for you, you just have to get out of bed or away from the computer. But sometimes you DO have to listen to your guts. Sometimes your guts know that you are avoiding hard tasks. Sometimes your guts know you are fragile.

I've been dealing with some anxiety issues lately. I won't bore you with details...I just have some work+healing to do. But my brain+body issues mean that I'm hovering closer to my limits and do need to pay attention when my gut says "don't go!" If I push past my mental and physical limits I get cranky and tired and withdrawn...in other words, no fun to be around. Staying home and staying quiet can really help bring me back to a little closer to normal. Sure, I might miss out on a special moment, but I know I'll hear stories about it and see pictures, and I know I'll be ready for the next adventure.

 

blossom

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Cherry Blossom #1, Flora

I've been thinking a lot about dormancy lately...maybe because I'm acting as a cocoon for this little human being inside me (the one squirming and kicking right now). But I know it started before that. It was part of why I revamped and restarted a blog a year and a half ago...this feeling that I'm not quite living up to my potential, that I can do better.

I don't think that's a bad feeling...without it I wouldn't try new things or work on bad habits or put effort into anything, and so on. But I'm challenged by not knowing what my true potential is, as opposed to things that are realistically out of reach. I am frustrated that I let myself down because I know I need to put time into something I want to accomplish, but I decide to watch a movie or something instead. I'm confused by the choices between dreams and responsibilities. All of this makes me feel overwhelmed, so I shut down and veg out and do nothing: I go dormant.

I've let myself down a lot, but then I'm never sure if I'm just being too hard on myself...it all comes down to fear, I think. I fear failure, I fear disappointing loved ones, I fear complacency, and I fear regret.

Fear has put me into a state of dormancy mentally. Hustling to survive in the city has put me into a state of dormancy creatively. Pregnancy has put me into a state of dormancy physically. Scott thinks motherhood is going to make me blossom...I think he may be right...

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notes to self

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1. You like running in the rain...stop using it as an excuse.

    Addendum to item 1: In the event of no rain, remember that you do really like running in general.  Getting out of the house is the hardest part.

2. Muscle weighs more than fat.  Stop freaking out at what the scale says, especially since your pants still [mostly] fit

3. You can do more than you think you can...stop being afraid.

     Addendum to item 3: No one is going to hand you anything...figure out what you want and go for it...again, stop being afraid.

4. The pollen forecast this week is crazy...Claritin and the air filter are your best friends again.

5. You've decided you don't mind peas. You will never like bell peppers.

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