Blooming?

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Over a year ago I wrote a post about my uncertainty about life and personal potential, and the question of if and how motherhood would affect my uncertainty and fear (read it HERE so you know what I'm babbling about in this post). The discussion continued in the comments of that post and recently an old friend of mine, who is now expecting her first little one (yay!), nudged me for an update and brought up some new questions of her own. 

I hadn't re-read my original post since I had written it, and when I did it really threw me into a crazy mental place...part of a series of events which have made me question my own behaviors and choices over the years and have made me worry even more (if that's possible) about some of the life decisions looming over me: Should I/Can I become a stay-at-home mom? Where do we want our family to live and grow? What is important to me? What am I willing to compromise? What gives me joy? What brings me down? What have I accomplished? What am I proud of? What do I wish I had done or was doing differently? 

The last year has been a whirlwind. They aren't kidding when they say "don't blink." After a year of keeping a tiny human alive it does finally feel like there is some breathing room to think and do and turn a corner (ah, but which corner...). I unfortunately can't say that much has changed in my brain since my Blossom post...I still feel a part of me is dormant. I still get overwhelmed by choices and dreams and responsibilities and fear and failure. However I can say that it all feels bigger and more important now, in a good way.

It turns out that being a mom has made all these questions and feelings MORE relevant. I feel like I've got the basic mom stuff down pretty well...you know, providing basic needs, physical & mental development, and a good dose of play. But more than wondering if it's okay to be "just a mom" or comparing myself to other mothers, I find myself wondering constantly if I'm being a good example to my daughter. I want her to be proud of me and look up to me not just as her mama but as a woman and a human. I know it doesn't exactly matter yet...she doesn't know or care about what I do beyond taking care of her. But she will one day.  And the things I do for me will help me do for her. This is all why seasoned moms tell new moms to take care of themselves, to take time for themselves. Why is it so hard to take that advice? I'm trying.  I'm ready to find my balance again. I'm ready to bloom. But yeah, your kid DOES become your whole existence...partly because of logistics and partly because of love. 

Honestly, I think a lot of my worry relates to my particular situation...living in the most expensive city living mostly on a freelancer's income (i.e. income-not-necessarily-guaranteed) and my own particular brain...agonizing over every little thing and never having had a distinct dream or 10-year-plan or what-have-you. Well, not one I thought feasible or followed through on. Plus, having a kid makes every decision feel more important, makes you cautious in a way you can't know unless you're a parent. And becoming a parent made me understand my own parents feelings about ME, and that made me want to make THEM proud, too. Although, my parents seem to be proud of me no matter what...which I also understand now. 

Maybe part of why I haven't made progress on "fixing" other things in my brain is because I relish the moments I'm with my girl. It's a tough choice between living for now versus living for later. I generally choose NOW and try to not feel guilty about it later. On the other hand, I am a master at worrying and overthinking everything. I am trying to learn to let go and jump in and go for it, etc. etc. When I get so worried about life I just think about this most beautiful little face and heart and personality which bring me more joy and awe than I knew existed, and everything is fine.

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book report [Salt Sugar Fat]

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Not long ago I finished reading the book Salt, Sugar, Fat by Michael Moss. It's all about how the food industry, the processed food industry, uses these three simple ingredients along with tricky marketing to make people crave their products. Food products are scientifically, mathematically, and industrially engineered according to psychological and physiological responses in consumers. Not just for taste but for texture, shape, and color.

I am kind of a food snob who shops mainly at Whole Foods for mainly raw ingredients. I read labels and rarely drinks soda. Even snobby me was shocked by the trade secrets revealed in this book. Like the fact that just 1 1/2 Fig Newtons has the same amount of sugar as a can of Coke or a Twinkie. ("I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve!")

Part of the story in this book is that food ingredients are always in flux...whatever the current health trend is the food scientists can reduce one ingredient "Now with less sugar!" When an industry is subsidized by the government (beef, cheese, corn) and tons of excess is created, food scientists create new products and ingredients to get rid of it (cheese stuffed crust 4-cheese pizza). The massive byproducts of the greek yogurt fad are the next challenge...

Really anything pre-made is processed. Because of time, pleasure, and in some cases money, I won't stop buying small amounts of processed foods (crackers, bread, some yogurt, ice cream)...but I've definitely become that much more cynical about ALL food in packages, especially from large companies. And I'm looking at labels that much more carefully. I know I'm getting a bit preachy here, but there's just so much going on behind the scenes that we regular folk are clueless about. And I'm sure secrets abound in the "healthy" food world too (have you read the label on a Clif Bar!?) There's a lot to talk about in this book. I'm not saying don't ever have a treat or grab a bag of chips with your sandwich (just like the chip people want you to!), I just think everyone should make informed decisions of their own free will. And I want my family and friends to be healthy.

Read this book! Be amazed!

listen to myself...or don't?

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 Yesterday I gave my mom some advice during a quick text chat. She's training for her first full marathon but is running into some injury obstacles, which make her worry about achieving her marathon goal. I told her its okay to be flexible with the details...if she has to walk instead of run or if she has to pick a different marathon date, that's okay, she still will achieve her goal of finishing a marathon. Focus on the good, look on the bright side, etc etc. I felt very wise.

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 A few weeks ago I came across a long forgotten  list of goals I wrote 9 years ago. I got kind of sad because I had forgotten the goals, did nothing to work toward them, and I felt I hadn't achieved any  of them. Granted, I have changed, and life has changed, and some of the goals I've tackled in part...But I should listen to my own advice. Be flexible with the details. Be positive about what you have achieved. Be willing to revisit and modify your plans. Work around the things you can't control.

 Or am I full of it? I don't know...do you think this is good advice or bad? I think it's good, but then a little part of me wonders if it's just justifying excuses out of fear of failure. Is it better to set super specific goals? Or, like most things, is there no simple answer? Long term life goals can't be treated the same as small project goals...can they?  

on the go

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I've moved my blog over to Squarespace for this reason and that. This is a test of the mobile app...blogging without Desktop! More pleasing user interface for the author! I'm excited to have a sleek, simple blog. It's not perfectly designed and filled out yet. Just so you know.  If you REALLY miss the old page design you can visit it at sagebrushcoast.blogspot.com. Let me know you're out there peeking at my blog...it will motivate me to give you things to read.

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if, then.

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If you need a holiday treat then make sugar cookies. If you find you don't have an egg then substitute a mixture of ground flax seeds and water like someone on the interweb said to do. If you decide the cookies taste a little weird then make some icing.  If you discover there's no powdered sugar at home then you can try making your own in the blender. If the flavor of the homemade powdered sugar icing only adds to the cookie weirdness, then go to the store to get ingredients and make gingerbread cookies instead.

Here's to a happy and safe changing of the calendar... Best wishes to all of you for the coming year ♥

pie tin

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When I was a kid we ate at Marie Callender's restaurant fairly often (are they still around?). Often enough that I have a lot of memories of it. We mostly stopped eating there when TGIFridays came along, haha, but would still pick up a pie on occasion. You could get like a hundred different flavors of pie there and if you brought back your aluminum pie tin you got a 25 cent deposit back or something. When I was really little I thought we were straight trading the tin for a pie...what a deal! We always had a few of those tins in our house...I can still hear the sound of a fork scraping around one while my Papa beat eggs for french toast. One of my favorite pies was the sour cream lemon. I googled a recipe online to try to re-create it. I'm not going to share it because it didn't turn out as delicious as I'd hoped...maybe I had the wrong pie? Lemon cream cheese? In any case, I had fun in the kitchen that evening and enjoyed the memories...from pie to croissant club sandwiches to baby spoons to a funny double date I went on in high school.

Any themed memories kicking around in your head lately?

(Definitely not a sponsored post)

miss scarlet

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I have a tendency to announce "I hate all my clothes!" This is generally 75% true, as I've got favorite jeans or tank tops or what have you. The problem, besides having nothing to wear, is that I fall into a vicious cycle of hating my clothes, then going shopping, then hating my new clothes because I thought I needed to try "something different." Dressing room mirrors and indecisive brains can trick you. I've never been particularly stylish. Throw in a post-pregnancy body and there's all kinds of confusion. Yesterday I sorted out all my clothes to keep vs giveaway. I love the eyelet details and the slight girliness of this tunic dress from Old Navy, but frankly I look like a washed out zombie wearing it. Instead of giving it away I thought I would try dying it. This dye is easy to use since you just throw it in your washing machine (we dyed a couch cover this way, too). That doesn't mean you don't have to be careful...I do have a newly pink hand towel now. The color came out much brighter and pinker than I expected, so we'll see how long it lasts in my wardrobe. I'll most likely layer it with jeans...is that a fashion faux pas? Because the tomboy in me prefers that look. Anyway, here's to experiments and working with what you've got.

stock options

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I'm making chicken stock today. Do I know what I'm doing? No, but it makes the home smell cozy and it will be good enough to make rice with at least. And it's a good experiment. We ate a store bought roasted chicken the other day so I threw the remains in a pot with water, salt, a few carrots, half an onion, a couple of bay leaves, some pepper, some sage, and some marjoram (what do people normally use marjoram for?). I know I could have researched in cookbooks and online, but I kind of just wanted to go for it. Wish me luck!

keeping it simple

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As a new mom I'm learning many new lessons in efficiency, patience, time management, and getting things done (All the moms out there are saying "Well, duh!"). Many of our friends and family members have been so generous in welcoming our little one that I really wanted to send out a special thank you.

In the past I would have designed the hell out of this card with borders, embossing, ribbon, etc. and still would never be satisfied with the final product. Keeping things simple means I actually accomplished my goal...

(nevermind that it took 3 months)

The pic is an iPhone photo that I edited using the Photogene for iPad app and then printed at home. Stamps, ink, and paper were from my stash.

20,000 Leagues

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Oh, hey bloggy type people...how are you? For almost 5 weeks I've been 20,000 leagues under this new baby girl (yes a girl wearing blue...shocking I know). I haven't really made time to write for months, and am uncertain what to write anyway. I'm sure all I long to say about having a child has been said over and over again...maybe for thousands of years! I also promised here that this wouldn't turn into a mommy blog...but damn if that isn't my whole beautiful world right now. 

Bay Nature

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Scott has a little cameo in the newest issue of

Bay Nature Magazine

.  It's a great issue focusing on Pt. Reyes in celebration of the 50th anniversary of its designation as a National Seashore. Pt. Reyes is a great day trip from the Bay Area and a favorite destination for us when we need to get out of the city. We saw whales spouting offshore on our last outing there! If you want to know more about the history and ecology of Pt. Reyes, read

Crowning Glories: 50 Years of Pt. Reyes

...and look for 'Hiker on Sky Trail' (that's my Mr. ♥). Bay Nature is a great local organization focused on exploring and protecting natural places around the San Francisco Bay, and their magazine is always lovely.

book report [The Sisters Brothers]

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With one month to go, I have serious baby brain...I'm often distracted to no end and can't remember what I did 5 minutes ago...and when my brain is functioning semi-normally, there's so much to do (nesting...it's real, people!), there's family to spend time with, or there's a creature squirming around inside me (woah, did anyone see Prometheus?)! So I haven't been reading much lately...I think. I have not kept my reading journal up to date and of course didn't write down a list of all of the books I did read...not sure what to do about that. I'm fairly certain I read at least 2 or 3 books in the last 3 months, but what were they? I'll have to do some research and pondering. I DO know that I read The Sisters Brothers, because it's due back at the library this week.

The Sisters Brothers was a much lighter read than I thought it would be. I was expecting a more dramatic, more richly detailed story. I did enjoy it though, and found myself picking it up often, wanting to finish. It's probably best that I didn't have to think too much to get through it. It's a quirky Western about two brothers who work as killers-for-hire. Their latest assignment brings them to California gold country. Along the way you learn more about the brothers and how they came to be in their particular situation. Read this book if you liked the recent movie version of True Grit, you appreciate when a hero fails (think of the predicaments Indiana Jones gets into), you don't mind sympathizing with 'the bad guys,' and you need a beach/pool book.

What are YOU reading? Maybe I'll just stick to catching up on reading blogs for awhile...

[FYI, I link to

Green Apple Books

in San Francisco because it's my favorite bookstore...local,        independent, and awesome.  They have no idea who I am, nor do they  give       me anything for linking to them. Where you buy your books is your       business.  I also advocate the public library [and the  library  didn't      waive any fines or give me anything to say that]

blossom

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Cherry Blossom #1, Flora

I've been thinking a lot about dormancy lately...maybe because I'm acting as a cocoon for this little human being inside me (the one squirming and kicking right now). But I know it started before that. It was part of why I revamped and restarted a blog a year and a half ago...this feeling that I'm not quite living up to my potential, that I can do better.

I don't think that's a bad feeling...without it I wouldn't try new things or work on bad habits or put effort into anything, and so on. But I'm challenged by not knowing what my true potential is, as opposed to things that are realistically out of reach. I am frustrated that I let myself down because I know I need to put time into something I want to accomplish, but I decide to watch a movie or something instead. I'm confused by the choices between dreams and responsibilities. All of this makes me feel overwhelmed, so I shut down and veg out and do nothing: I go dormant.

I've let myself down a lot, but then I'm never sure if I'm just being too hard on myself...it all comes down to fear, I think. I fear failure, I fear disappointing loved ones, I fear complacency, and I fear regret.

Fear has put me into a state of dormancy mentally. Hustling to survive in the city has put me into a state of dormancy creatively. Pregnancy has put me into a state of dormancy physically. Scott thinks motherhood is going to make me blossom...I think he may be right...

sort of a recipe

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I was going to post this on Mother's Day, but I only had questionable strawberries in the fridge, ha ha. My mama and I are champion eaters and I have a lot of fun memories of sharing snacks with her: eating grapes after hot days at the pool, dipping popcorn in gooey cheese for a classic movie night, NOT sharing bagel sandwiches (it's a long story)... I need to think of a name for the snack I'm showing you today...it's healthy, but not...sweet, but not... it's classy, but simple: strawberries+sour cream+brown sugar. It sounds weird, but it's so tasty! 

All you need is a dollop of sour cream, a little pile of brown sugar, and some quartered strawberries. Dip a strawberry in sour cream, dab it in brown sugar, then pop it in your mouth. When you run out of strawberries, you'll probably swirl your finger around in the sour cream and melty brown sugar. Okay, so maybe that's not so classy...but you could use a fork?

Enjoy!